Finally an Update on my daily demons.

I decided to start blogging because I enjoy reading other's blogs and feel kind of guilty if I don't put myself out there as well. Also, it is cathartic and a nice way to take a break and reflect on my life instead of focusing on a billion other things.
As many of your know, right now my life consists of two major priorities: 1.) Being a wife to my wonderful husband Brendan and 2.) Preparing for medical school, which is a full time job in and of itself. Although sometimes stressful (I am referring to the latter not the former), I enjoy both very much, especially, as I am learning not to put so much pressure on myself. When Brendan and I first got married (it's been so long ago, we just had our two month anniversary), I was very committed to this idea of being the PERFECT wife. I think I created this ideal during our year apart. I thought, "If I could only be with Brendan, I would never complain about anything. I would be happy every moment of the day and will do anything to make him happy." Of course, that is not how life works out, and it took awhile for me to realize that the Jude Brendan wanted as a wife was REGULAR Jude, not perfect Jude. Meaning, if I ruined the dinner I INSISTED on cooking completely from scratch there was no need to get frustrated and angry--and DEFINITELY no need to feel guilty about being frustrated and angry. I was becoming one of those crazy people who goes on vacations and constantly insists that everyone is having fun--so much so that the fun is kind of sucked out. Luckily, after a couple of weeks I stopped worried about staying on top of clumps of cat hair on the floor, or m aking a different four course dinner from my Newlywed Cookbook every night and stopped to smell the roses. I definitely have not looked back since. Although my perfectionist tendencies still creep in from time to time--I am beginning to let go a little more each day. Having an incredibly loving, supportive husband helps immensely with this.
Unfortunately, I have still been unable to shake my obsessive quest for perfection when it comes to school work. I will work on a single math problem for an hour before I get it right because I am convinced if I can't find the derivative of a natural log I will fail as a physician. I know this is ridiculous, and I know that sometimes the best thing to do is step away and do anything else while I let the answers come to me, but for some reason this is very challenging. I pray that I learn to accept my talents and limitations, but I am also thankful that my tendencies though anxiety-inducing, serve to propel me forward. I have never been happy settling for anything but my best, and I am not going to change that now. My promises me that in the end, it will be these struggles that bring me success.
Since this blog has kind of focused on my kryptonites, I guess my final weakness that needs attention is being so far from home. I obsessively worry about missing out on events with my family in Michigan. For example, my cousin Jon is on leave from the navy and came home for a couple weeks to stay with my grandparents. Since he has been home my entire family (excluding Brendan and myself) gathered for a picnic. Although I miss them dearly, what bothers me most is knowing how hard it is for my mom not to have me there. It makes her very sad when the whole family is together except for Brendan and Jude and of course, her grandcats, Dax and Gatsby. I feel extremely guitly about this, and it sort of ensures that I am always homesick. If I am not feeling homesick from missing my family, I feel homesick because I am having a wonderful time alone with my husband and do not feel I miss them sufficiently! Ahh to be in my head! ha ha. This adds additional feelings of guilt because I don't want Brendan to think my homesickness is a reflection on him. It is definitely NOT! I am so thankful to have this time with my new husband. We can focus totally on being together and exploring a new life. When we get bored or need advice, we don't have the luxury of going to our parent's house. Instead we work things out together, and make our own decisions. When I need comfort after a long day of class and missing my family, I have Brendan to rely on. It is making our relationship even stronger and more fulfilling then it ever was. I am so proud of him and me for working so hard and being so successful in this marriage. I know that we are just starting out, and I know marriage is a long journey and we may not always have the novelty of being newlyweds on our side, but I am sure thankful to be on the journey with someone as wonderful as him. I can't imagine our lives will ever get boring.
Okay, well I really need to get back to studying. Even though I have more classes to take before I will be totally prepared for the MCAT, I bought a fantastic book from Princeton Review and have been ploughing throught he Physics section. It is amazing how informative the book is. I got through the first 50 pages of physics last night and was completely prepared to discuss applications of DE during Calc last night. I am constantly surprised at the speed at which I am learning (I just started thinking about how I could write that sentence as a DE--oh brother!) It has been a long time since I felt this passionate about Math. It has suddenly become accessible to me again. I am sad that I parted from it for so many years. I talked to my mom today and she reminded me that when I was in seventh grade she was approached to send me to University of Michigan to have graduate students study how I learned math and solved Trig problems. I was THRILLED at the chance to spend an entire summer emersed in mathematical research but eventually decided not to go when it interferred with voice lessons. Since then I somehow lost my spark for math, as young girls sadly do all to frequently, but I am excited to have it back. I really think I am going to continue to take more math--and possibly physics than is required for my program.I love how it transfers me to a different mindset and allows me a new perspective from which to view the world. It's also a fun activity for Brendan and I to do together as we try to discover new ways to approach the same equations.

Well, on that note, I am finally off to study for the MCATS with my MKitties Dax and Gatbsy. They turn Five tomorrow. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!