PT Panic

I am very sorry I haven't written recently, both because I just realized I had a comment YAY, and because it really is great catharsis. I seem to come to it when I am stressed the most, and it does make me feel better, something about the act of even typing is relaxing and familiar--maybe it is like playing the piano, another thing I did as a child when I was stressed.

What is stressing me? Well, not too much at the moment. However, I do have a math final next week, but I have a strange calm. I know the material very well, have done all the homework and am totally up-to-date with studying and reading. Tonight we have a class review, and will have another on Sunday. I think I will be fine. The only other stressor, more like irritant, is that I have been experiencing a recurrence of pain. This might be because I have been more physically active. However, I REFUSE to give up my activities--so I am going to re-focus on pain management. Step 1# I finally made an appointment with the PT a student in my program recommended. He works for the office and assured me that they have pelvic floor specialists.
Let me tell you a little something about PT and me. It's a love hate relationship--mostly hate. The type of therapy that I do is...to put it mildly VERY invasive and personal. I have to work one on one with the therapist and really build a trusting relationship. Because I suffer from sever chronic pain, I am very afraid for the to touch me. This causes me to tense up in ways I am not even aware of. A lot of the therapy is learning to let my mind control my body. Sounds easy, right? Not so much. When you suffer pain you begin to contract your muscles in a way that protects your body. It is like a reflex--it becomes second nature, well first nature actually. We are engineered to preserve ourselves. So imagine you have to use your mind to control your INVOLUNTARY muscles. Try it. Right now--try and stop peristalsis from moving food through your esophageal tract. It's kind of like that. I remember facing the same frustration when I was in voice lessons. My voice teacher would tell me to do something and i would do EXACTLY what I thought she said. However, it was wrong. Although I was trying my very best to emulate her instructions I was hitting a wall. Since I am not someone who likes to do things I am not good at, you can imagine how frustrating this was. The good news is, I stuck with it (mostly because I didn't have the heart to tell my grandpa that I no longer wanted him to drive me to the lessons he was paying for and because I felt I owed it to my teacher), and in the end I got it. One day it clicked. The same thing happened with PT and it started to feel worth it. I built an incredible relationship with my old PT Kasey (she was a G-dsend and I literally prayed and thanked G-d for her everyday!)

Unfortunately, just when we were making real progress, I had to leave. This was daunting because I knew with moving, getting married, and starting school it was going to be difficult for me to find a therapist. Additionally, I truly felt like I struck gold with Kasey and knew it would be difficult, if not impossible, to find someone to take her place. Also, the fact that my injury is quite rare (there aren't a lot of 27 year olds walking around with shattered pelvises thankfully) it's hard to find someone to treat my "special needs" especially since I am a newlywed who is planning on starting med school soon. Both physically demanding situations. (I will let you paint the picture there). Furthermore, from what I understand, pelvic floor therapy is kind of new to PT, and there aren't a lot of PT's that are specialized. The waiting list to get in to see Kasey rivalved the wait for tickets to see the Westside Story Revival, BUT this guy I met in the program (who wants to be an ortho, oddly enough) assured me they had a therapist that could help. Finally, I screwed my courage to the sticking place, and called yesterday. After playing phone tag with a very inefficient answering service, I was finally scheduled for next Tuesday with Court. GREAT! Wait a second---I thought--I mean I am sure I know the question to this, but I have to ask: "Umm..out of curiousity, Court's a women, right?" Receptionist: "Oh, no. Court is a man." Jude: silence...Receptionist: "I assume that's okay (judgemental tone). I mean he's our only available..."Jude: "Oh yeah! Sure! Uh.. see you Tuesday! *click* I was shocked!

Now, I don't mean to sound closed minded. I am an equal opportunist here, and I realize that jobs are not and should not be divided by gender roles, it's just that the thought of going to a guy is very unsettling to me. Those of you who know me, may know that my tried and true gyno is a male, and I have NO problem with that, but this is different WAAAAY different. The therapy is much more invasive and personal. Additionally, it shold come as no surprise that men and women have VASTLY different anatomy in the pelvic region. Therefore, Kasey was able to describe muscle contractions and sensations in a way that I don't think Court will be able to. Not that he isn't well trained, or intuitive, he's just not going to be able to see things from the same perspective. Also, I am sure that he has a good heart and has some really lovely reason for wanting to help women (I keep telling myself), but there is some part of my mind that asks "Why would a man choose to go into this particular specialty? What kind of frea---" You get the idea. Brendan did little to ease these concerns.

In the end, I decided to keep the appointment, because well, I need to. Also, I know being a woman in family practice I am bound to get a patient one day who will not want to come see me for his prostate exam for the same reasons I listed above. I will do my best to convince him that I am highly trained and well qualified, and will probably be offended that he won't believe me. So, I am paying it forward. I am also going to do my level best to keep an open mind and benefit from this new experience. Maybe he will bring a new perspective and teach me new ways to release muscle tightness. Maybe..

I promise to keep you updated. Oh! I cannot forget. My family is coming out to visit in mere weeks! Days even. 17 to be exact! YAY!

Until next time.....

Finally an Update on my daily demons.

I decided to start blogging because I enjoy reading other's blogs and feel kind of guilty if I don't put myself out there as well. Also, it is cathartic and a nice way to take a break and reflect on my life instead of focusing on a billion other things.
As many of your know, right now my life consists of two major priorities: 1.) Being a wife to my wonderful husband Brendan and 2.) Preparing for medical school, which is a full time job in and of itself. Although sometimes stressful (I am referring to the latter not the former), I enjoy both very much, especially, as I am learning not to put so much pressure on myself. When Brendan and I first got married (it's been so long ago, we just had our two month anniversary), I was very committed to this idea of being the PERFECT wife. I think I created this ideal during our year apart. I thought, "If I could only be with Brendan, I would never complain about anything. I would be happy every moment of the day and will do anything to make him happy." Of course, that is not how life works out, and it took awhile for me to realize that the Jude Brendan wanted as a wife was REGULAR Jude, not perfect Jude. Meaning, if I ruined the dinner I INSISTED on cooking completely from scratch there was no need to get frustrated and angry--and DEFINITELY no need to feel guilty about being frustrated and angry. I was becoming one of those crazy people who goes on vacations and constantly insists that everyone is having fun--so much so that the fun is kind of sucked out. Luckily, after a couple of weeks I stopped worried about staying on top of clumps of cat hair on the floor, or m aking a different four course dinner from my Newlywed Cookbook every night and stopped to smell the roses. I definitely have not looked back since. Although my perfectionist tendencies still creep in from time to time--I am beginning to let go a little more each day. Having an incredibly loving, supportive husband helps immensely with this.
Unfortunately, I have still been unable to shake my obsessive quest for perfection when it comes to school work. I will work on a single math problem for an hour before I get it right because I am convinced if I can't find the derivative of a natural log I will fail as a physician. I know this is ridiculous, and I know that sometimes the best thing to do is step away and do anything else while I let the answers come to me, but for some reason this is very challenging. I pray that I learn to accept my talents and limitations, but I am also thankful that my tendencies though anxiety-inducing, serve to propel me forward. I have never been happy settling for anything but my best, and I am not going to change that now. My promises me that in the end, it will be these struggles that bring me success.
Since this blog has kind of focused on my kryptonites, I guess my final weakness that needs attention is being so far from home. I obsessively worry about missing out on events with my family in Michigan. For example, my cousin Jon is on leave from the navy and came home for a couple weeks to stay with my grandparents. Since he has been home my entire family (excluding Brendan and myself) gathered for a picnic. Although I miss them dearly, what bothers me most is knowing how hard it is for my mom not to have me there. It makes her very sad when the whole family is together except for Brendan and Jude and of course, her grandcats, Dax and Gatsby. I feel extremely guitly about this, and it sort of ensures that I am always homesick. If I am not feeling homesick from missing my family, I feel homesick because I am having a wonderful time alone with my husband and do not feel I miss them sufficiently! Ahh to be in my head! ha ha. This adds additional feelings of guilt because I don't want Brendan to think my homesickness is a reflection on him. It is definitely NOT! I am so thankful to have this time with my new husband. We can focus totally on being together and exploring a new life. When we get bored or need advice, we don't have the luxury of going to our parent's house. Instead we work things out together, and make our own decisions. When I need comfort after a long day of class and missing my family, I have Brendan to rely on. It is making our relationship even stronger and more fulfilling then it ever was. I am so proud of him and me for working so hard and being so successful in this marriage. I know that we are just starting out, and I know marriage is a long journey and we may not always have the novelty of being newlyweds on our side, but I am sure thankful to be on the journey with someone as wonderful as him. I can't imagine our lives will ever get boring.
Okay, well I really need to get back to studying. Even though I have more classes to take before I will be totally prepared for the MCAT, I bought a fantastic book from Princeton Review and have been ploughing throught he Physics section. It is amazing how informative the book is. I got through the first 50 pages of physics last night and was completely prepared to discuss applications of DE during Calc last night. I am constantly surprised at the speed at which I am learning (I just started thinking about how I could write that sentence as a DE--oh brother!) It has been a long time since I felt this passionate about Math. It has suddenly become accessible to me again. I am sad that I parted from it for so many years. I talked to my mom today and she reminded me that when I was in seventh grade she was approached to send me to University of Michigan to have graduate students study how I learned math and solved Trig problems. I was THRILLED at the chance to spend an entire summer emersed in mathematical research but eventually decided not to go when it interferred with voice lessons. Since then I somehow lost my spark for math, as young girls sadly do all to frequently, but I am excited to have it back. I really think I am going to continue to take more math--and possibly physics than is required for my program.I love how it transfers me to a different mindset and allows me a new perspective from which to view the world. It's also a fun activity for Brendan and I to do together as we try to discover new ways to approach the same equations.

Well, on that note, I am finally off to study for the MCATS with my MKitties Dax and Gatbsy. They turn Five tomorrow. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!